/stôrm/ noun

  1. a violent disturbance of the atmosphere with strong winds and usually rain, thunder, lightning, or snow.
  2. a tumultuous reaction; an uproar or controversy.

Content warning: suicide, language

I learned the hard way that I am my biggest enemy, the biggest monster under my bed, the biggest boogie man in my closet. No one else. Just me.

It hurts – really, I mean like gut-wrenching, body-wracking sob kind of hurts – to figure out that I’m the last person that I can trust. That after this quarter of a century on Earth, I’ve been the obstacle in my way. That I hate myself…because I deserve it.

You’d think that would be freeing, but no, it’s more like an inner black hole, sucking in any amount of hope or light I had for myself before coming to this horrible realization.

And then, to top it all fucking off, the one to finally pull me up, pull me out of this hole I dug myself into with each and every breath of my life – that person was fucking you.

No, I didn’t save myself for myself. I saved myself for you. And that’s the real knife to the gut. I think I hate you more than I even hate myself, if you can fucking believe it.

So now I stand here, calling out to you through the howling wind, through the razor sharp raindrops slicing the air, my vision blurry, my head foggy, my heart aching, my pulse racing.

Don’t. Don’t jump. Please, Camilla. Please. Step away from that ledge.